Listening beyond words
Shari Stewart | June 2025
Read more from the Reflections on Relational Practice blog series:
- 'Hard to reach' families or difficult to access services?
- What is relational practice and why is it important?
- Listening to speak or listening to understand?
- Understanding the broader context of individual families
- How our interpretation of experiences might get in the way of helping families
- Building and sustaining effective relationships: why first meetings matter
- Listening beyond words: what children's behaviour is trying to tell us
When a child throws a toy, hides under a table, or pushes away during a routine task, it’s tempting to label it ‘challenging behaviour.’ But what if we paused and asked ourselves: ‘What might this child be trying to tell me?’
Children often speak through their actions - whether because of their age, stress, neurodiversity, trauma, or simply a lack of words to express themselves. Their behaviour isn’t a problem to fix; it’s their voice calling out for connection.
From reacting to reflecting
As professionals working with children, we can shift our response from control to curiosity. Instead of seeing behaviour as defiance, we can view it as an invitation to understand.
Try this today:
- Pause and reflect
What might this child need right now?
What is this behaviour helping them cope with or avoid? - Respond with connection
How can I offer comfort rather than correction?
Am I the best person to address this moment? - Stay curious
What don't I know... yet?
Applying theory to practice
A child in a childcare room throws themselves to the floor and screams during transition time. At a paediatrician’s clinic, a toddler kicks and refuses to be weighed.
Is this defiance, or a child overwhelmed by change, sensory input, or unfamiliar routines?
Connection-focused responses might look like:
- Slowing down the transition with a visual schedule or countdown.
- Offering choices: ‘Would you like to walk or be carried to the next room?’
- Providing comfort: ‘I can see this is hard. I’m right here with you.’
- Creating consistency: Familiar objects or routines can help build trust over time.
These small shifts communicate safety, and when children feel safe, they’re better able to engage, cooperate and learn.
Tools for your toolbox
- Observation journals
Record patterns in time of day, the environment or specific triggers. - Team reflection
In staff meetings, ask 'What might this behaviour be communicating? - Language shift
Swap 'challenging behaviour' to 'stress behaviour' or 'communication attempt'. - Family collaboration
Partner with caregivers to learn what voices and strategies resonate best.
When we listen differently, children feel seen. You don’t need all the answers - just the willingness to stay curious. Let’s give space to children’s voices, especially when they come without words.
Upcoming opportunities
Join our Education and Learning team for 2 workshops that dive into the heart of relational practice. Together, we’ll explore the power of reflection and the vital role of family partnerships in supporting children’s wellbeing and development.
Reflective Practice: a 3-part online workshop starting 10 June
This workshop enables you to practice skills and strategies involved in the facilitation of reflective practices with colleagues and parents.
Engaging Families: a 2-part online workshop starting 4 August
Learn how to build strong relationships with families to promote positive parent-child relationships and early learning environments and experiences for children.
Let’s continue learning together about how to honour every child’s voice - especially when it’s expressed in unexpected ways.
About the author
Shari recently joined the Education and Learning team and is passionate about supporting professionals who work with children. She is dedicated to helping them deepen their understanding of how strong, healthy relationships between children and adults foster growth, connection, and wellbeing - for everyone involved.